What is Integrative Relational Therapy?
Imagine if therapy wasn't about a distant expert analyzing you, but more like two people sitting together, figuring things out side-by-side. That’s the heart of Integrative Relational Therapy. It’s an approach that believes the most powerful tool for healing isn’t a technique or a diagnosis—it’s the genuine, trusting relationship that forms between you and your therapist. The word "integrative" simply means your therapist doesn't believe one single method works for everyone. Instead, they have a whole toolkit of ideas to pull from, customizing their approach just for you. They might borrow strategies from cognitive therapy to help with negative thought patterns, use insights from attachment theory to understand your early relationships, or employ mindfulness to help you sit with difficult emotions. It’s all about what you need at that moment.
But the real magic is in the "relational" part. This approach is built on a simple but profound idea: we are often hurt in our relationships with others, and because of that, we often heal best within a new, healthy relationship. Think about it. Many of our struggles, feeling unworthy, fearing abandonment, or struggling with trust were shaped by our past connections. In this therapy, your therapist pays close attention to how those old patterns show up right there in the room. Do you assume they’ll judge you? Do you hold back from sharing something difficult? Do you worry about being "too much"? Instead of just talking about these patterns, you and your therapist will gently explore them as they happen. It’s in these real, raw moments that something incredible occurs: you get to experience a new way of connecting. Your therapist offers a safe space, free of judgment, where you can be truly seen and accepted. They help you understand your old defences while simultaneously showing you that it’s safe to let them down.
This creates learning, deep in your bones, that relationships can be different. You can be vulnerable and still be safe. You can have a misunderstanding and repair it. You can be your authentic self and still be valued. In essence, Integrative Relational Therapy is a collaborative journey. It’s about understanding your story not just intellectually, but emotionally, within the safety of a connection that’s designed to help you grow. It’s less about fixing what’s broken and more about rediscovering who you are and how you can connect with others in a healthier, more fulfilling way.
Shame. Healthy? Or toxic?
The feeling of making a mistake, like getting something wrong, or sometimes just the very thought of this happening can trigger a wave of flickering shame that resonates for a moment as a warning. Healthy shame. It’s your inner compass gently saying, “ watch out, this action might not be a good idea”. It’s about your behaviour, and it fades quickly. It supports us to stay within social boundaries. In this sense, It works to keep us safe.
But for many of us, there’s a much heavier, more painful feeling. It’s the voice that doesn’t say “I made a mistake,” but “I am a mistake.” This is toxic shame. It isn't about what you did; it’s a deep, aching belief that you are fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or unlovable at your core. It often comes from old wounds, times we felt unseen, criticized, or abandoned when we were young and vulnerable.
You can feel the difference in your body. Healthy shame might be a quick blush. Toxic shame feels like a weight in your chest, a hot flush of panic, or an urge to just disappear. It makes you want to hide the real you, for fear that if anyone saw, they’d confirm your worst fear: that you’re broken.
The most important thing to know is this: Toxic shame is a wound you carry, not who you are. It’s like an old injury that still aches, making you believe you’re still as vulnerable as you were when you were hurt. The healing begins when you can gently separate that old wound from your true, worthy self. It starts with offering yourself the compassion you might not have received back then, whispering to that hurt part within: “I see you. You are not bad. You are worthy of love, exactly as you are.”
This is not always an easy process. Having the key support of a therapist in your corner through this process can be life changing. The healing of shame can change the feeling of existence itself.
Heinz Kohut & ‘Self object Wounds’
Imagine that deep down, we all have a few core needs: to feel seen and celebrated, to feel safe by connecting with someone strong, and to feel we belong. Think of the people who provide this as our emotional anchors. They aren't just being nice; they're helping us build and maintain our very sense of self.
A ‘selfobject wound’ is what happens when those anchors fail us. It’s not about a single disappointment, but a deep, recurring feeling that our most important emotional needs don’t matter. When this happens, especially when we're young, it doesn't just hurt our feelings, it can make us feel like we're crumbling inside, filled with a confusing mix of emptiness, sharp shame, or even rage.
The beautiful part of this theory is that it says we heal the same way we were hurt: through connection. By finding safe, understanding relationships where we finally feel heard and valued, we can slowly soak up that warmth and stability. Over time, we learn to provide it for ourselves, building the strong, resilient sense of self we always deserved. It’s a wound that can mend, not with a bandage, but with consistent, caring understanding.