Shame. Healthy? Or toxic?

You know that feeling when you make a small mistake, like spilling your coffee, and you think, “Oops, that was clumsy!”? That’s a flicker of healthy shame. It’s your inner compass gently saying, “Hey, no big deal, but maybe use a coaster next time.” It’s about your behaviour, and it fades quickly.

But for many of us, there’s a much heavier, more painful feeling. It’s the voice that doesn’t say “I made a mistake,” but “I am a mistake.” This is toxic shame. It isn't about what you did; it’s a deep, aching belief that you are fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or unlovable at your core. It often comes from old wounds—times we felt unseen, criticized, or abandoned when we were young and vulnerable.

You can feel the difference in your body. Healthy shame might be a quick blush. Toxic shame feels like a weight in your chest, a hot flush of panic, or an urge to just disappear. It makes you want to hide the real you, for fear that if anyone saw, they’d confirm your worst fear: that you’re broken.

The most important thing to know is this: Toxic shame is a wound you carry, not who you are. It’s like an old injury that still aches, making you believe you’re still as vulnerable as you were when you were hurt. The healing begins when you can gently separate that old wound from your true, worthy self. It starts with offering yourself the compassion you might not have received back then, whispering to that hurt part within: “I see you. You are not bad. You are worthy of love, exactly as you are.”