Shame. Healthy? Or toxic?

The feeling of making a mistake, like getting something wrong, or sometimes just the very thought of this happening can trigger a wave of flickering shame that resonates for a moment as a warning. Healthy shame. It’s your inner compass gently saying, “ watch out, this action might not be a good idea”. It’s about your behaviour, and it fades quickly. It supports us to stay within social boundaries. In this sense, It works to keep us safe.

But for many of us, there’s a much heavier, more painful feeling. It’s the voice that doesn’t say “I made a mistake,” but “I am a mistake.” This is toxic shame. It isn't about what you did; it’s a deep, aching belief that you are fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or unlovable at your core. It often comes from old wounds, times we felt unseen, criticized, or abandoned when we were young and vulnerable.

You can feel the difference in your body. Healthy shame might be a quick blush. Toxic shame feels like a weight in your chest, a hot flush of panic, or an urge to just disappear. It makes you want to hide the real you, for fear that if anyone saw, they’d confirm your worst fear: that you’re broken.

The most important thing to know is this: Toxic shame is a wound you carry, not who you are. It’s like an old injury that still aches, making you believe you’re still as vulnerable as you were when you were hurt. The healing begins when you can gently separate that old wound from your true, worthy self. It starts with offering yourself the compassion you might not have received back then, whispering to that hurt part within: “I see you. You are not bad. You are worthy of love, exactly as you are.”

This is not always an easy process. Having the key support of a therapist in your corner through this process can be life changing. The healing of shame can change the feeling of existence itself.