Heinz Kohut & ‘Self object Wounds’

Imagine that deep down, we all have a few core needs: to feel seen and celebrated, to feel safe by connecting with someone strong, and to feel we belong. Think of the people who provide this as our emotional anchors. They aren't just being nice; they're helping us build and maintain our very sense of self.

A ‘selfobject wound’ is what happens when those anchors fail us. It’s not about a single disappointment, but a deep, recurring feeling that our most important emotional needs don’t matter. When this happens, especially when we're young, it doesn't just hurt our feelings, it can make us feel like we're crumbling inside, filled with a confusing mix of emptiness, sharp shame, or even rage.

The beautiful part of this theory is that it says we heal the same way we were hurt: through connection. By finding safe, understanding relationships where we finally feel heard and valued, we can slowly soak up that warmth and stability. Over time, we learn to provide it for ourselves, building the strong, resilient sense of self we always deserved. It’s a wound that can mend, not with a bandage, but with consistent, caring understanding.